Personalized Derogatory Nicknames
by Satan Abraham
Summary: He hadn't been planning on it, but there was no harm in messing with Barkovitch for a little bit, right? [oneshot] [rated t for language]


It was dark, and sometimes in the dark, you fell back by kids you didn't want to walk by. Abraham had, in reality, been trying to find Parker – though he wouldn't complain if he found Baker, either, even if he was still sore about Baker _definitely _cheating earlier – but he'd ended up with another loudmouthed asshole. Only difference was that this one was about a foot shorter and had more pimples.

Barkovitch glanced at him, scowled, and stared back at the road.

Abraham was, quite frankly, surprised. "What, nothing about how you'll dance on my grave?"

"Fuck off," Barkovitch said. "I'm not in the mood, Dumbo."

"I'm not even special enough to get a personalized derogatory nickname," Abraham mused. "Is that why you won't dance on my grave?"

"What? Of course I'll dance on your grave. Now _fuck off, _Dumbo."

Abraham thought about it, then shook his head. "I figure I'll stay right where I am," he said. They walked in silence for a bit, and Abraham was starting to think that Barkovitch wasn't that bad when it was dark and he wasn't talking – you could almost pretend that he wasn't there, honestly – when he spoke again.

"Why are you back here?"

"Was looking for Parker," Abraham said. He stretched a little and felt his back pop. "Found you instead. Figure one asshole has to be as good as the next, so I just stayed where I was instead of looking more."

"I'm _nothing _like Collie Parker."

"If you say so."

"What? Of course I say so! What the hell makes me like that prick?"

Abraham didn't even have to think. "Neither of you know when to shut the hell up, our favorite love-struck, scarred jackass hates the both of you, and I, personally, find the both of you hilarious. Though I will admit that, as Parker does have a heart, I actually like him along with finding him hilarious."

"Parker does _not _have a heart."

"Yeah, he does," Abraham said. He sighed a little, wondering how in the hell he'd gotten to debating whether or not Collie Parker had a heart with this midget. "To be honest, little one-"

"Did you really just call me little one?"

"_To be honest, little one, _I don't dislike you as much as I dislike some of the others. I don't like you. I'll be the first to admit that. _But, _compared to some others, like that-" Abraham found himself without the words to convey his hatred and just flapped his hand around a little bit before continuing. "-Olson, I'd rather spend time with you. At least you're not choosy with who you make fun of. Equal-opportunity asshole."

Barkovitch snorted. "Equal-opportunity asshole."

"Yeah," Abraham said. He was kind of proud of that one, honestly. "And that's another reason you're the same as Collie. He'll take shots at everyone, unless he likes them. Well, even if he likes them, but then those shots'll be a little bit muted. A little bit… well, like he's just kidding. How do you act around friends?"

It was quiet.

"Yeah, that was a stupid question."

"Yeah, it was," Barkovitch said. He crossed his arms, and Abraham thought for one horrible second that he was going to cry – and he was _not _up for that, he was _most _definitely _not _up for that, if that happened he'd speed up and leave the kid in the dust, honestly – but he didn't. He just looked up at Abraham again, dark eyes glittering from the moonlight. "Are you done yet?"

"Done what?"

"Making fun of me? Look, you stupid ginger, I'm tired and I'm not up for this right now. If you're going to walk, fine. If you're going to keep talking, I'd rather you did it somewhere else. _Capisce?"_

Abraham thought about it, then nodded and moved up. He did find Parker – and, frankly, had no idea how he'd missed him the first time – and smiled a little. "I just got a personalized derogatory nickname from Barkovitch."

"Why the hell are you so goddam _happy _about that?"

* * *

**This was kind of an experiment requested by a user on Tumblr a LONG time ago, because we realized that Abraham was the only real major LW character that we hadn't shipped Barkovitch with. We wanted to see if it could be done. I think… I think maybe.**


End file.
